Pandora's Box

This post is going to be so hypocritical, but it has to be done, it has to be let out one way or the other.
What is it that I always tell people "If something is bothering you, don't dwell on it."
This is like my one piece that i'm famous for. So basically if it scares you, ignore it.
At least I practice what I preach.
It works for a short term solution to your problem. But for long term, no help - at all. I've done this for so long it has become normality to me. I'd convinced myself that i'd do it just until i found a long term solution for a problem. But that never happened, and so these problems just kept on coming back. When new ones came i just shove them to the back of my mind, and carry on with life, and i've just carried on like that problems just building up, me just trying to ignore them. Trying to lock them away somewhere deep inside of me, each time trying harder and harder to compress them into this tiny jar of mine. Don't get me wrong it isn't other people's problems, because who ever you are, if you have a problem i will try and help. And i am happy to help, it makes me happy to help others with their problems because i know that at the end of the day it makes them feel better which is the main aim. And it helps me to take my mind off mine.
But sometimes, Pandora just has to come with her curious self and tries to unlock my jar, and then it all comes out. Well not all of it. There are still some problems i have that no one knows, as much as i would like to let loose, and have a good ol' cry. Sometimes there are things you have to keep to yourself, no matter how much it hurts. I think there are also things i know that should make me upset that just don't. I think it's because i've never compared THOSE things to other peoples problems so i'll never know how much of a big deal they are or not. But the main thing is that i try not to let my problems take over my whole life. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. If they get too much i will probably end up having a good cry about it. But i could never bring myself to slit my wrists. I don't know why i just think i could never do it.
But i remember there was one thing that i just couldn't ignore, i couldn't deal with it, when i'd cry i'd be so angry with my self, i could do self inflicted violence. I would punch myself, punch the walls, i'd give myself massive bruises, especially on the legs, in places where no one would see, like my thighs and hips. Oh the way i'm just exposing myself. Well basically what i'm trying to say is that shoving things to the back of your mind and ignoring things you're too scared to talk about doesn't always help. I hide things way to easily, even if you know me and you're are thinking "Pshht! Whatta lie" It isn't, i know there will be things people have asked me about like.. blah blah blah, maybe something about family or someting.. doesn't that make you upset? And then i'd be like.. Oh no, not really.
I guarantee you. Just think back.

The Biggest Obstacle For Seeing Are The Eyes.

I've been reading into mysticism lately, and i've been caught by an interest on Buddhism. I have been looking into Zen, and their teachings. I've also studied an outline of both Satori, and Kensho (taught within Zen) meaning "seeing one's nature", or finding your pupose. A flash of sudden awareness. Satori is considered the first step to enlightenment. Oh how I wish I could experience this.

To find virtue within life, looking beyond the visual, and seeing the gifts behind. It would be give living a whole new meaning. Falling in love with life itself, with nature, and one's being. With the air, the rain, sun, moon, mud, grass. Everything will be given a new priority.

But the closest i'll get to this would probably be self discovery, an unfoldment of the great within. And i probably won't be able to do that for a good few years.

Maybe i could start reading some Koans (Riddle-like rhetorical questions) and see if that helps at all.

 A thunderclap under the clear blue sky

All beings on earth open their eyes;

Everything under heaven bows together;

Mount Sumeru leaps up and dances.