Lotus' new lay out, yeyeyeyeye

F U C K I N G S P R U N G G G G G G G G G G

I don't understand. It's allllways the same fucking thing. It's me. I spoil shit. I ruin it.
Why can't you learn.

It's not everyday be selfish Nicole.
It's not everyday say things without thinking.
It's not everyday kill a mood.
It's not everyday sulk.
It's not everyday take things to heart.
It's not everyday spoil banter.
It's not everday act spoilt, ungrateful, childish.
It's not everyday do things to fuck up your happiness man, and the happiness of your world. Sometimes don't be stupid. 
Sometimes idk behave. 

I'm sorry.
All I can do is apologise.
My faults, your burdens. I'm sorry.
I am truly sorry.
From every part of me.
From my; stomach tense with fear, my hands stabbing in pain, my shoulders hunched over in insecurity, head hanging over in shame; and like always, hot tears running down my cheek.
I'm sorry for what I will do and what I will fail to do.
For the pain that I could possibly bring one day.
I am ashamed and apologising for something I haven't done; and something I never plan to do, but solely because being in the wrong; is what I'm famous for..

I am sorry.

Deux;

It's true.
I've said time and time again, I hurt people.
You know why?
Because I don't learn. I don't. I don't understand this stubborn mentality.
I'm reassured that there's many things that aren't necessary in a relationship or friendship; constantly.
But when it goes to act on it. I always seem to go too fucking far. So fucking far.
I guess I'm torn between my happiness and everyone elses.
Me; I've grown up as an altruist. I live for you. For others. My life, my lives, my love, my loves.
So many times I've been told to be selfish for once. Do me for once. I "deserve" it.
But when I have the courage to I hurt people. It's a lose lose situation Nicole you know this. I just feel helpless. I can't. I don't fucking know how to stop myself. I don't know how to fix things.
How shit has this girl become that she can't even help her own sisters. That they feel discomfort in speaking to her.
Idk what I've become anymore.
I just... I can't. It's always you Nicole. Always the same thing. Be selfish and pay the consequences.
They deserve better, not you.

It's hard to explain to people why I like to be alone. But this is it. There's no chance of hurting them. If you're alone the only person you can hurt is yourself; irrelevant.
But guess I could turn around and say I'm pathetic. I don't know. Self pity? How does it fucking help.

Dear Nicole
Be selfish and pay the conequences.