Why is it so hard for me to get rid of this stupid feeling ARGH It makes me feel so angry with myself FUCK. I've slept well, it's sunny outside, I should be happy, but no? I just don't understand. I will wait for the day I can truly shed this feeling from my heart.

It's one o'clock, let me just blast some music, see if that makes me feel any better. 

It's already making me feel a bit better.

Let me be wonderful. Let me out from these shackles, set me free from this burden. Greet me with possibilities, and happiness, show me love and let me love. Grant me peace and content within myself,  allow me life, allow me memories, allow me warmth;

Let me be wonderful.

Fuck you, fuck this, fuck life, fuck off, fuck everything. For fuck sake, just go away. ARGH
I wish I could go somewhere and scream as loud as I can, for as long as I can. Just so I could jump, and stamp, and throw myself in as many different directions as I can till I feel some sort of relief, just for a bit.


Argh, I've had a long day.

24/02/2013

...

You're weak. Nicole, you're weak.

Anticipation is the only life support I have

Sometimes I just don't know why I cry. In general I feel broken, but from what? And why? God knows really.

I know I'm weak, very weak in fact. Dare I say even more than before, and restriction from it does seem harder. It's my soul & mind that I feels is flimsy, and when I cry, it causes me to feel nothing. No anger toward anyone, no sadness, no frustration, just emptiness, and longing. It's a strange feeling, like it's not great, but it's not the worst. It feels... Monotone  if you like. Just nothing. Void, of everything. And who do I have to blame? No one, everyone? Everything, and nothing. 

A constant burden, something weighing me down, all the time. I wish it would go, but I have no strength to get rid of it. Non whatsoever. And so it's grown with me, this nothingness, it's a part of me now.

You know what, I'd rather not...

I could run away. I could just up and leave right now. It would be so easy, so simple. I'd be able stay at my sister's, I have enough money to get there. I could easily just... run? It's unlikely anyone would miss me. After all I've been hearing from them for the past few weeks.

If I could live with her constantly, maybe I would be happy? Just for a while. It would be worth a try, I guess?

He

Darkness, it seems like it's everywhere nowadays. God has taken his blessing away from this island, he's taken the sweet warm sun, and instead leaves us with the remnants of hell. Like pieces of shattered glassed, idle, awaiting for the touch of something living to bring it back into this useless world, to return to it's simple un-thanked purposes. The nights, which now overtake the days, I have lost count of them. They seem just to merge into one long cycle, day, night, day, night, day, night, until you forget which one is which  I don't sleep very often any more, it doesn't feel as necessary as it was before,
Often when I walk I smoke, or I drink before I set off, it helps me to think. But today Leon offered me a different type of cigarette, from the white he said, medicinal he said  I took of course, why would I turn that down. A cigarette's a cigarette isn't it? After all, what do I have to lose, it can't kill me more than I already am dead.
Funny thing death is, funny thing life is actually. I live life, my men live life, the villagers live life's, we all "live" life. But do we actually LIVE life? Who actually LIVES life anymore, you tell me, maybe the whites, with their damn fancy education, and knowledge and whatever the fuck else. No one needs that. No on needs education to say they're worthy of something. What sense does it make to say because you've had an education, you are worthy of money or a better job. None what so ever. That's the common sense of the white. They know nothing. apart from expose you irrelevant and pointless fear. I once heard of a woman that managed to get to the white world, she got sent to a school, gained education, got a job. Became smart you know, like them, became white. One day she had to come back to her homeland with the company she worked for, but something strange happened. As soon as they arrived, she entered a dense spiral of insanity, ran out screaming and crying out for help, she was afraid of everything, I heard she shouted "Disease" they shouted, it's...
Disease is what they said...

Πώς ειρήνη προέρχεται από την αγάπη, όταν η αγάπη απαιτεί σύγκρουση.

Don't try and make sense of this world, it isn't possible. For yourself maybe, but for others, almost definitely not. It is not possible to evaluate someone elses interpretation of everything, it's like comparing two people's view on the meaning if life. We do not know.
As humans our range of emotions, feelings and thoughts stretch over a wide plane. How we react to different situations depends on the state of each person and their equilibrium. That's just how life goes.

La locura es lo que me mantiene con vida.

Let's not start this again. Forever and always ruining things aren't I. I just can't get it right.
Fucking defensive shit.

I just don't know. I really don't.
I have nothing to say any more, I've come to the point where I really do not care what happens to me, I couldn't give a damn. I don't know what to do with myself, so I've just stopped fighting altogether. I'm just allowing stress to take over now, and I really am not bothered to fight it, because I have no reason to. Why should I fight? I've fought it for so long, I give up, I don't want to do it any longer. The fact is that, I dislike my life... A lot. There's no escaping the fact, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. And no one wants to take me seriously.
I know in myself that I won't take advice, because I never accept advice, it's just how I am, I don't like it, it's  patronising.
JKagsid I'm so sick of it already, so tired.