Music is helpful. It's helpful to drown out the violent sobs, and the murmurs of desperation. It's helpful to blur out the bangs and crashes on the walls. It's helpful to cover up the fall to the floor. It's helpful to disguise the scraches and punches as injuries. It's helpful to keep it a secret.

You don't understand. And it hurts.
I want to leave, please.

Fucking worthless. 
You make me feel like shit. What have I done wrong for you to treat me like this? Please please tell me. Why?

What am I even worth to you? Nothing at all I'm assuming.

When jealously becomes a problem. You've got to tell yourself to shut the hell up, and pull yourself together. You trust. You love. You believe. That's it.
And you've just got to take his word, because you trust him, you do. And you trust her. You do. Never trust them. Because they don't know him, or her, or you. They know what they can assume. Which is nothing. Ignorant bastards. And how does it work? When I become... not myself... that is how. I am my own destroyer, and yet I am also my own doctor.

So fix up Nicole
God blessed you. Don't take that for granted.

I feel a bit shitty, I just hope it's not coming back. I don't think I can deal with that again.

I thank God, that I have the personal and mental strength to resist cutting. That I have been given the power to hold myself, to not venture below where I am right now. Thank you Lord. I thank you with all my heart.

And there you go. This is why I don't like you Nicole.

Why is she fucking about? Sorry I've had such an amazing weekend. But why is she taking the piss out of my life? Sorry apparently it's "not my concern". Nah fuck off mate, it obviously is. So now I have to find things about me through other people? Don't be a fucking coward.
Let me move out. Fuck sake.

So I just finished a performance, but why am I feeling like this? Like why? Sometimes I hate myself so much. And so I wanted to start crying on the bus? Leave it, am I a dickhead? I'm supposed to be buzzing, but instead I feel like shit. Nah fuck you Nicole

Shit day, shit life, shit being.

I'm fed up already, let me be someone else, let me be someone that isn't emotionally jarred by the slightest thing. Let me be different, give me some damn peace. Please. It hurts so much, I hate the way  I think, I hate being me, I hate Nicole.

Why do I hold onto feelings after the whole situation has finished? Does that even make sense? Am I really a dickhead. In what world is this aiding me in any way?
Just give my body and mind away to someone else, let them take it, because I don't want it anymore.

Why is it so hard for me to get rid of this stupid feeling ARGH It makes me feel so angry with myself FUCK. I've slept well, it's sunny outside, I should be happy, but no? I just don't understand. I will wait for the day I can truly shed this feeling from my heart.

It's one o'clock, let me just blast some music, see if that makes me feel any better. 

It's already making me feel a bit better.

Let me be wonderful. Let me out from these shackles, set me free from this burden. Greet me with possibilities, and happiness, show me love and let me love. Grant me peace and content within myself,  allow me life, allow me memories, allow me warmth;

Let me be wonderful.

Fuck you, fuck this, fuck life, fuck off, fuck everything. For fuck sake, just go away. ARGH
I wish I could go somewhere and scream as loud as I can, for as long as I can. Just so I could jump, and stamp, and throw myself in as many different directions as I can till I feel some sort of relief, just for a bit.


Argh, I've had a long day.