Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you.

Why do I cry? Like really why? Does every emotion I have result in crying? Is that how it is now yeah?

People who patronise me make me want to cry. Not even out of pain or insult. Just purely out of anger. I feel I'm going to burst, but then... I cry...
I have a sick loathing towards anyone patronising. If I could rip they're head off I would tbh. Wankers.

Nicole it's time to wash your face and return to a smile. You don't want them to know you've been crying.

Same thing, every fucking day.

Music is helpful. It's helpful to drown out the violent sobs, and the murmurs of desperation. It's helpful to blur out the bangs and crashes on the walls. It's helpful to cover up the fall to the floor. It's helpful to disguise the scraches and punches as injuries. It's helpful to keep it a secret.

You don't understand. And it hurts.
I want to leave, please.

Fucking worthless. 
You make me feel like shit. What have I done wrong for you to treat me like this? Please please tell me. Why?

What am I even worth to you? Nothing at all I'm assuming.

When jealously becomes a problem. You've got to tell yourself to shut the hell up, and pull yourself together. You trust. You love. You believe. That's it.
And you've just got to take his word, because you trust him, you do. And you trust her. You do. Never trust them. Because they don't know him, or her, or you. They know what they can assume. Which is nothing. Ignorant bastards. And how does it work? When I become... not myself... that is how. I am my own destroyer, and yet I am also my own doctor.

So fix up Nicole
God blessed you. Don't take that for granted.

I feel a bit shitty, I just hope it's not coming back. I don't think I can deal with that again.

I thank God, that I have the personal and mental strength to resist cutting. That I have been given the power to hold myself, to not venture below where I am right now. Thank you Lord. I thank you with all my heart.

And there you go. This is why I don't like you Nicole.

Why is she fucking about? Sorry I've had such an amazing weekend. But why is she taking the piss out of my life? Sorry apparently it's "not my concern". Nah fuck off mate, it obviously is. So now I have to find things about me through other people? Don't be a fucking coward.
Let me move out. Fuck sake.

So I just finished a performance, but why am I feeling like this? Like why? Sometimes I hate myself so much. And so I wanted to start crying on the bus? Leave it, am I a dickhead? I'm supposed to be buzzing, but instead I feel like shit. Nah fuck you Nicole

Shit day, shit life, shit being.

I'm fed up already, let me be someone else, let me be someone that isn't emotionally jarred by the slightest thing. Let me be different, give me some damn peace. Please. It hurts so much, I hate the way  I think, I hate being me, I hate Nicole.

Why do I hold onto feelings after the whole situation has finished? Does that even make sense? Am I really a dickhead. In what world is this aiding me in any way?
Just give my body and mind away to someone else, let them take it, because I don't want it anymore.