Anticipation is the only life support I have

Sometimes I just don't know why I cry. In general I feel broken, but from what? And why? God knows really.

I know I'm weak, very weak in fact. Dare I say even more than before, and restriction from it does seem harder. It's my soul & mind that I feels is flimsy, and when I cry, it causes me to feel nothing. No anger toward anyone, no sadness, no frustration, just emptiness, and longing. It's a strange feeling, like it's not great, but it's not the worst. It feels... Monotone  if you like. Just nothing. Void, of everything. And who do I have to blame? No one, everyone? Everything, and nothing. 

A constant burden, something weighing me down, all the time. I wish it would go, but I have no strength to get rid of it. Non whatsoever. And so it's grown with me, this nothingness, it's a part of me now.

You know what, I'd rather not...

I could run away. I could just up and leave right now. It would be so easy, so simple. I'd be able stay at my sister's, I have enough money to get there. I could easily just... run? It's unlikely anyone would miss me. After all I've been hearing from them for the past few weeks.

If I could live with her constantly, maybe I would be happy? Just for a while. It would be worth a try, I guess?

He

Darkness, it seems like it's everywhere nowadays. God has taken his blessing away from this island, he's taken the sweet warm sun, and instead leaves us with the remnants of hell. Like pieces of shattered glassed, idle, awaiting for the touch of something living to bring it back into this useless world, to return to it's simple un-thanked purposes. The nights, which now overtake the days, I have lost count of them. They seem just to merge into one long cycle, day, night, day, night, day, night, until you forget which one is which  I don't sleep very often any more, it doesn't feel as necessary as it was before,
Often when I walk I smoke, or I drink before I set off, it helps me to think. But today Leon offered me a different type of cigarette, from the white he said, medicinal he said  I took of course, why would I turn that down. A cigarette's a cigarette isn't it? After all, what do I have to lose, it can't kill me more than I already am dead.
Funny thing death is, funny thing life is actually. I live life, my men live life, the villagers live life's, we all "live" life. But do we actually LIVE life? Who actually LIVES life anymore, you tell me, maybe the whites, with their damn fancy education, and knowledge and whatever the fuck else. No one needs that. No on needs education to say they're worthy of something. What sense does it make to say because you've had an education, you are worthy of money or a better job. None what so ever. That's the common sense of the white. They know nothing. apart from expose you irrelevant and pointless fear. I once heard of a woman that managed to get to the white world, she got sent to a school, gained education, got a job. Became smart you know, like them, became white. One day she had to come back to her homeland with the company she worked for, but something strange happened. As soon as they arrived, she entered a dense spiral of insanity, ran out screaming and crying out for help, she was afraid of everything, I heard she shouted "Disease" they shouted, it's...
Disease is what they said...

Πώς ειρήνη προέρχεται από την αγάπη, όταν η αγάπη απαιτεί σύγκρουση.

Don't try and make sense of this world, it isn't possible. For yourself maybe, but for others, almost definitely not. It is not possible to evaluate someone elses interpretation of everything, it's like comparing two people's view on the meaning if life. We do not know.
As humans our range of emotions, feelings and thoughts stretch over a wide plane. How we react to different situations depends on the state of each person and their equilibrium. That's just how life goes.

La locura es lo que me mantiene con vida.

Let's not start this again. Forever and always ruining things aren't I. I just can't get it right.
Fucking defensive shit.

I just don't know. I really don't.
I have nothing to say any more, I've come to the point where I really do not care what happens to me, I couldn't give a damn. I don't know what to do with myself, so I've just stopped fighting altogether. I'm just allowing stress to take over now, and I really am not bothered to fight it, because I have no reason to. Why should I fight? I've fought it for so long, I give up, I don't want to do it any longer. The fact is that, I dislike my life... A lot. There's no escaping the fact, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. And no one wants to take me seriously.
I know in myself that I won't take advice, because I never accept advice, it's just how I am, I don't like it, it's  patronising.
JKagsid I'm so sick of it already, so tired.

Crying over your own mistakes, because you know the hardest thing to do is accept wrongdoing and defeat. Regret and self hatred. You can't change the past, but you can weep over it, and that is what you will do, until the pain has numbed you and you can't feel any emotion. You just lay there, eyes soar & your face soaked with salty tears. Numb, motionless; emotionless. Empty, still, longing.
Just been falling out with everyone lately, falling out with myself. I feel so stressed, my life is on overload. School is bullshit. People are fuckers. Life is crap, so much confusion,so much pain

I really have nothing to say today apart from curse. From which I will try and refrain from doing. Or try and keep it to the absolute minimum today.
DKJFKDBBDJKJJAZSVHFIYAKJHSAOK < This is what I feel like. Oh and what a lovely feeling it is too.
People. Just people. People are shit. Mankind, is shit. Humans, are SHIT.
You will get to a point in your life where you realise that every single person that you know, talks absolute fucking bullshit. Who ever they are. Every single person on this earth, deserves the biggest punch to their right temple. Including me. You also get the few that will say "We're unique, we don't lie, we're not hypocrites, I'm not biased, nor prejudice.." Etc. Oh please. What bloody piece of rahted cow's arse is that crap?! Sometimes I have the strongest urge to just kick someone in the face, for whoever actually pushes me to that point, you deserve it.
The world we live makes me want to throw myself out of my top window :)
Anyone ever had those days where all you can do, is curse. Like all the fucking time. ALL THE TIME. You just can't stop, and your brain tends to mix up all the curses together, making it feel evermore powerful. Unfortunately, that word never gets sent to your mouth, to use on other's to destruct their meaningless optimism.
OSIXDHIUSAHUIS I hope you get jabbed in the nose with your own knee.

Dios me ha bendecido, con el usted.

Familia. Ellos son los mas importantes. Teniendo en cuenta que nosotros mi Dios. Amor que por el tiempo que usted vive, y ser agradecidos. Usted esta bendecida por tenerlos, porque usted debe saber que siempre estara ahi cuando los necesite.
Estas siempre en mi corazon. Tu eres mi todo. Te quiero.

Desolate Creatures

I am feeling changed, feeling unprepared and distracted. Feeling blinded by many, and by few. And stricken by a thought, which in this precise moment cannot cease to be removed from within my soul, but instead leaves a trail of clues leading back to the sole reason, the answer.
Minds feeling burdened by technological difficulties, and technology itself. Destitute, to all known by a handful. All they know is why we "must". Why we "must" follow, why we "must" believe, and why we cannot avert from convention, or the 'trend'. Why, when it is our life to live, that we let others live it for us? Why we stand back and just allow. Because we are too loud; we are too stubborn, and arrogant.
Loving and being loved by media, and technology, always looking to the future, but never the past. Being taught never to ask questions.
But to avert and reject convention, is true heroism, letting your thoughts wander into the unknown, and accommodating those new streams of thought, webbing across your mind, listening to yourself, explaining how to feel free from restrictions, and the 'trend'.
Let yourself wander.
I have often found myself feeling fond of vagueness, of the quiet and mysterious. In many circumstances, loving to be embedded in and surrounded by my own thoughts, taking me on a journey of memory, and hope. Revisiting events, and traveling on a path of questioning.
Prefering to keep my deepest thoughts to myself. My reasoning with life.
I am feeling so sick of technology, I catch myself wanting to switch off any sort of electrical appliance, and just sitting there, in absolute silence. Thinking. Evaluating life. Not feeling any emotion other than what my branches of thought evoke.
Loving it because you are in your world, you are at peace.
{Here displays a picture of your will, what you picture this place to look and feel like. What images it provokes. Let your mind wander}

Pandora's Box

This post is going to be so hypocritical, but it has to be done, it has to be let out one way or the other.
What is it that I always tell people "If something is bothering you, don't dwell on it."
This is like my one piece that i'm famous for. So basically if it scares you, ignore it.
At least I practice what I preach.
It works for a short term solution to your problem. But for long term, no help - at all. I've done this for so long it has become normality to me. I'd convinced myself that i'd do it just until i found a long term solution for a problem. But that never happened, and so these problems just kept on coming back. When new ones came i just shove them to the back of my mind, and carry on with life, and i've just carried on like that problems just building up, me just trying to ignore them. Trying to lock them away somewhere deep inside of me, each time trying harder and harder to compress them into this tiny jar of mine. Don't get me wrong it isn't other people's problems, because who ever you are, if you have a problem i will try and help. And i am happy to help, it makes me happy to help others with their problems because i know that at the end of the day it makes them feel better which is the main aim. And it helps me to take my mind off mine.
But sometimes, Pandora just has to come with her curious self and tries to unlock my jar, and then it all comes out. Well not all of it. There are still some problems i have that no one knows, as much as i would like to let loose, and have a good ol' cry. Sometimes there are things you have to keep to yourself, no matter how much it hurts. I think there are also things i know that should make me upset that just don't. I think it's because i've never compared THOSE things to other peoples problems so i'll never know how much of a big deal they are or not. But the main thing is that i try not to let my problems take over my whole life. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. If they get too much i will probably end up having a good cry about it. But i could never bring myself to slit my wrists. I don't know why i just think i could never do it.
But i remember there was one thing that i just couldn't ignore, i couldn't deal with it, when i'd cry i'd be so angry with my self, i could do self inflicted violence. I would punch myself, punch the walls, i'd give myself massive bruises, especially on the legs, in places where no one would see, like my thighs and hips. Oh the way i'm just exposing myself. Well basically what i'm trying to say is that shoving things to the back of your mind and ignoring things you're too scared to talk about doesn't always help. I hide things way to easily, even if you know me and you're are thinking "Pshht! Whatta lie" It isn't, i know there will be things people have asked me about like.. blah blah blah, maybe something about family or someting.. doesn't that make you upset? And then i'd be like.. Oh no, not really.
I guarantee you. Just think back.

The Biggest Obstacle For Seeing Are The Eyes.

I've been reading into mysticism lately, and i've been caught by an interest on Buddhism. I have been looking into Zen, and their teachings. I've also studied an outline of both Satori, and Kensho (taught within Zen) meaning "seeing one's nature", or finding your pupose. A flash of sudden awareness. Satori is considered the first step to enlightenment. Oh how I wish I could experience this.

To find virtue within life, looking beyond the visual, and seeing the gifts behind. It would be give living a whole new meaning. Falling in love with life itself, with nature, and one's being. With the air, the rain, sun, moon, mud, grass. Everything will be given a new priority.

But the closest i'll get to this would probably be self discovery, an unfoldment of the great within. And i probably won't be able to do that for a good few years.

Maybe i could start reading some Koans (Riddle-like rhetorical questions) and see if that helps at all.

 A thunderclap under the clear blue sky

All beings on earth open their eyes;

Everything under heaven bows together;

Mount Sumeru leaps up and dances.