Pandora's Box

This post is going to be so hypocritical, but it has to be done, it has to be let out one way or the other.
What is it that I always tell people "If something is bothering you, don't dwell on it."
This is like my one piece that i'm famous for. So basically if it scares you, ignore it.
At least I practice what I preach.
It works for a short term solution to your problem. But for long term, no help - at all. I've done this for so long it has become normality to me. I'd convinced myself that i'd do it just until i found a long term solution for a problem. But that never happened, and so these problems just kept on coming back. When new ones came i just shove them to the back of my mind, and carry on with life, and i've just carried on like that problems just building up, me just trying to ignore them. Trying to lock them away somewhere deep inside of me, each time trying harder and harder to compress them into this tiny jar of mine. Don't get me wrong it isn't other people's problems, because who ever you are, if you have a problem i will try and help. And i am happy to help, it makes me happy to help others with their problems because i know that at the end of the day it makes them feel better which is the main aim. And it helps me to take my mind off mine.
But sometimes, Pandora just has to come with her curious self and tries to unlock my jar, and then it all comes out. Well not all of it. There are still some problems i have that no one knows, as much as i would like to let loose, and have a good ol' cry. Sometimes there are things you have to keep to yourself, no matter how much it hurts. I think there are also things i know that should make me upset that just don't. I think it's because i've never compared THOSE things to other peoples problems so i'll never know how much of a big deal they are or not. But the main thing is that i try not to let my problems take over my whole life. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. If they get too much i will probably end up having a good cry about it. But i could never bring myself to slit my wrists. I don't know why i just think i could never do it.
But i remember there was one thing that i just couldn't ignore, i couldn't deal with it, when i'd cry i'd be so angry with my self, i could do self inflicted violence. I would punch myself, punch the walls, i'd give myself massive bruises, especially on the legs, in places where no one would see, like my thighs and hips. Oh the way i'm just exposing myself. Well basically what i'm trying to say is that shoving things to the back of your mind and ignoring things you're too scared to talk about doesn't always help. I hide things way to easily, even if you know me and you're are thinking "Pshht! Whatta lie" It isn't, i know there will be things people have asked me about like.. blah blah blah, maybe something about family or someting.. doesn't that make you upset? And then i'd be like.. Oh no, not really.
I guarantee you. Just think back.

The Biggest Obstacle For Seeing Are The Eyes.

I've been reading into mysticism lately, and i've been caught by an interest on Buddhism. I have been looking into Zen, and their teachings. I've also studied an outline of both Satori, and Kensho (taught within Zen) meaning "seeing one's nature", or finding your pupose. A flash of sudden awareness. Satori is considered the first step to enlightenment. Oh how I wish I could experience this.

To find virtue within life, looking beyond the visual, and seeing the gifts behind. It would be give living a whole new meaning. Falling in love with life itself, with nature, and one's being. With the air, the rain, sun, moon, mud, grass. Everything will be given a new priority.

But the closest i'll get to this would probably be self discovery, an unfoldment of the great within. And i probably won't be able to do that for a good few years.

Maybe i could start reading some Koans (Riddle-like rhetorical questions) and see if that helps at all.

 A thunderclap under the clear blue sky

All beings on earth open their eyes;

Everything under heaven bows together;

Mount Sumeru leaps up and dances.

Euphoric Expriences

I haven't been bothered to post for the last couple of weeks, simply because I am a lazy shit. I'm not even going to lie.
I think I want to start doing word/phrase/thought of the day... or whenever I decide to post. Yeah, so that's another factor I shall be including in my wonderfully crap posts.
It feels like i'm becoming further away from the world as time goes on, like i'm drifting. I'm here physically, but mentally, not so much. It kind of feels like i've been watching the world through binoculars or a telescope. I feel distanced. I don't really understand this feeling. My brain feels all fogged up, but not sad or depressed. Like i'm experiancing a type of sleepy euphoria, or something of the sorts.
I feel the world is going past my eyes, as fast as light itself, and I can't really do anything to stop it. It's like i'm in a tiny invisible box, on the side, just watching my own, and other people's life's go by. I don't feel as if i'm really in control of my own life anymore, but like it's just going on simultaniously, without any guidance or command.
I think i'm slowly being pushed into the background, which doesn't  really bother me, i'm not really fussed about 'popularity'.
But seriously, did someone sectretly spike by drink? Or put weed in my food or something? Because this doesn't make any sense to me at all. I think my mind has been entangled in itself. Made itself a maze, only for itself to find teh way out. I'm detached from my own body and mind.
I actually think this world isn't real. It's probably just some futuristic, three dimensonsial projection. Unless it's just me that isn't real.

Thought of the day - Why does time go forward and not backwards? And if there was a way that we could defy it without trying to beat the speed of light, what would it be?

Dios, Patria, Libertad.

These past couple days I've been 100% Dominicana. I don't know why, I've just been so proud of where I come from these days.
I just want everything to be about Dominican Republic. It feels strange, cos it feels like i'm not really worrying about anything anymore, I just want to think about DR.
Maybe it's because my Papa (Grandfather) has been really ill recently, that's probably the only thing i've been worrying about lately. BUT he's recovering fast, and is feeling much better already, which I am so greatful for. But this happening has caused all the family to be in contact much more than before, we've all been calling back home, and America, to talk to the family, everyday. And it's a relief for all of us that he's getting better. He's been in all our prayers. But hopefully we will stay in close contact after he has fully recovered.
I think it may also be because I've started to plan my Quinceanera. No, wait that's wrong, I haven't just started, I've been planning since the beginning of 2011, but recently I've been putting alot of thought into it. I know it's in two and a bit years, but if you were brought up how I was brought up, then you would know how much it means to us, and how important it is. And plus there is ALOT to plan. - Themes, theme colours, dress designs, decorations, venue, transport, Damas (who I will choose), Damas' dresses and shoes (colour themes and style), Caballeros (who I will choose), Caballeros' suits. AHHH It's all too much already, but it's all can ever think about. I have recently decided that I will have it the summer of 2013, instead of March, when my birthay is, because of time issues. And I've taken a big decision to fly back home, and have it there. I weighed out both options, to have it there or here. But having back in the DR is definately the better choice, because 99% of my family already live there, so it will be easier for them, and I want all the family to be there even if I can't have my friends. And for the family that live in America, it will be easier and much for them to go over. So i'm definately keeping to my word with that. And the weather will be amazing, and not RAINING or COLD like here (Y)
Ahh so yer, looking forward to that.

Oh yeshh ;3

Silence.

Um yeah I pulled this from my other blog.
For those of you who know me, then you know me as a very cheerful, loud, or you could say 'flamboyant' girl, but there is much more than that behind the smile.
As many of you may know, you sometimes do have to lie about your feelings to get by, and yes, I know i'm only 13, but as far as emotions go, I have experianced alot. Okay here goes.

Sometimes you feel as if your mind is drifting away you drift into a sea of serenity and peace, where you forget all the troubles of the world, where there is no hard decisions to make and no tears to hold back! You are in the most peaceful place on earth, you can be yourself and no one will judge or discriminate you.
But all that can change in the blink of an eye. And it is that blink itself that changes everything, from that sea of serenity you have been 'chillin' in ( :D ) comes a storm of emotion, your heart pulls you back to chaotic reality, but reality is too much, you feel all the problems and worries flood your mind, and like a drop of rain, a tear trickles down your face...........The storm has begun.

Yeah, i know its a load of metaphoric crap, and i know im only 13, and i shouldnt be stressing but... OH WELL! This blog is for those who feel the same way and if you think im just stupid teen, then you are welcome to leave ... Gracias

Your Bruise Was Understated

Why do we hide what we are feeling. Why do we hide the pain and tears behind a smile. Although we do know the pain wont last forever, but just as long as it's here, it hurts like fuck. So you try and distract yourself, but you always coming back to the same conclusion.

I recently had an argument with a friend of mine. And it killed me because I never wanted things to get that far. And things were said that didn't need to be said, especially from my part. When it happened all I could do was cry, and cry. I actually hated myself, I felt like such a bitch. I just wanted to die. I tried convincing myself that it would all blow over within a week or two. But it didn't work, the guilt was killing me. I hated myself so much. But i'd never tell people how frustrated, angry, and sad I was, I would just put on a smile and act like everything was okay. When really inside I was dying.

It's pretty much forgotten about now, and I gather she's over it, but it's still there for me. 

Things are never going to go back to how they were.

Sometimes it's just better when you keep your mouth shut.

Ergh. I suck...