24/02/2013

...

You're weak. Nicole, you're weak.

Anticipation is the only life support I have

Sometimes I just don't know why I cry. In general I feel broken, but from what? And why? God knows really.

I know I'm weak, very weak in fact. Dare I say even more than before, and restriction from it does seem harder. It's my soul & mind that I feels is flimsy, and when I cry, it causes me to feel nothing. No anger toward anyone, no sadness, no frustration, just emptiness, and longing. It's a strange feeling, like it's not great, but it's not the worst. It feels... Monotone  if you like. Just nothing. Void, of everything. And who do I have to blame? No one, everyone? Everything, and nothing. 

A constant burden, something weighing me down, all the time. I wish it would go, but I have no strength to get rid of it. Non whatsoever. And so it's grown with me, this nothingness, it's a part of me now.

You know what, I'd rather not...

I could run away. I could just up and leave right now. It would be so easy, so simple. I'd be able stay at my sister's, I have enough money to get there. I could easily just... run? It's unlikely anyone would miss me. After all I've been hearing from them for the past few weeks.

If I could live with her constantly, maybe I would be happy? Just for a while. It would be worth a try, I guess?