5:37am ...

This keeps happening, I just want it to stop, I want it to end. Now don't get me wrong, us... I never want us to end, and I can't have you confuse the two. I want the arguing to end, I want the fighting to end, I want us to be good again. I can't have us fighting all the time, it hurts me and Lord knows it hurts you too. There's only so much I can say to you directly, the rest I write on here hoping you'll stumble upon it. I need you. There's no one else I'd rather have. I want you and you only. And I want us. And I want to be happy. And I want to stop crying. And I want you to hold me, and kiss me and talk to me like we did. Now you'll just be visting me on Friday "as a friend". 

I would do anything to make us work. And right now I need you more than ever. I need you with me. I just don't even know what to say anymore. Maybe holding your hand and ... I don't even want to do that. I feel the pain of being away from you will somehow slap some sort of common sense into me. To not say stuff I don't mean. To not hide my feelings. To not pretend I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you but can't help but feel that's not mutual. I can't even blame you for that. I can't blame you for the pressure you experience. Thus I cannot be blamed for the pressure I experience. Ofcourse the distance it hard to cope with but it's not near enough as hard as to give up this two year relationship. 

In reality, I think about you all the time. I think about your voice, I think about the way you walk and stand, and laugh, and cry, and talk. The way you sleep, you breathe, the way you sneeze, and the way you sing. Your skin, and your hands, and your eyes, and your heart. Being shut down and told I'm forcing it hurts ofcourse. If its any consolation, I think about you all the time, I think about the past all the time, all the good times, all the time. I think about you stroking my hand, showing your affection with such subtlety, and holding eachother while we rest, constantly resting. Me buried in your chest and you resting your head ontop of mind. And our kisses before bed, and falling asleep on eachothers lips. And just everything. I want to scream. I want you back and I would do anything to prove it. Baby please, take me back. I want us back, wholly, imperfectly, beautifully. Us. 

I want us. And I can't help falling apart everytime we leave eachother mid argument. No matter how bad the argument, I will always sleep with your pillow. You're my soul mate. We use the term loosely. But you, have defied every aspect of a relationship I would have ever thought of. I am in love with my best friend, who knows me better than anyone, who will stay up to make sure I sleep, who will hold me and kiss me, and make me laugh, and kiss me so passionately it can make me cry, who will stand behind me and kiss the nave of my neck while I wash dishes and whisper "I love you" into my ear. Who just makes me so comfortable being around you that it's just routine. 

I write this hoping you will read it and it'll totally change your opinions and your feelings, that you will finish this and have a lightbulb moment saying I am so in love with her, and then you'd run to me and squeeze me and kiss me and tell me how much you love me, then we will be back to normal, even better. I hope for that, but I can't help but be sceptical. All I want is you.You are my all, and I hope this helps you realise and change your mind. 

I love you, I would do anything to make this work.

I know its maybe a week late lol. But this amazing girl. I'd like to thank her for a whole lot. This past year we've seen each other through worst and our best, through the lows and the highest of highs. I wouldn't have dreamt of spending it with anyone else. Our love is the type you dream about, I'm in love with my bestfriend and its the best feeling in the world. Baby thank you for being mine; I wish us many more beautiful years together. 

Te amaré siempre amor mio.

I'm so restless and cold, uncomfortable. Every direction I turn I wish to see your face or the curve of your shoulder, to feel the warmth of your skin. To cater and care for you; hold you and kiss you until you feel better.
I await the return of our meanful goodnights, and our tight grasps while we forget about the world. You're all that matters to me, you in my arms, you infront of me. Your kisses lined with velvet, hugs with silk.
My everything, I await your return

These words seem to escape me more and more often nowadays. Everything is wrong. But it's so right. I mean, I don't know. Me of course it's right, it's so right, and it's magnificent, and that's all that matters to me. Open my eyes to things I would have never seen, stand up and run, and run, and run. Scream, and shout and sing. And, its all right.There are people who forget these feelings, just like how they forget how it feels to be 16 when they turn 17. Forgetful, forgetful. But how could I forget this? So perfect, so beautiful. If only we all felt so big all the time, life would be easier. 

I feel I'm reaching, reaching so far but nothing materialises. The hole in my heart begins again, and I can feel the weight. Let it weigh.

I miss you

There could be something written on me... I suppose, if I was more interesting, if it was worthwhile. Words describing the way my hair drifted in the wind, or the way my eyes shifted. I feel my life is a novel some days, and feeling as if my all my natural movements turn into acted, artificial movement. A human puppet, concentrating on a nose twitch or a nervous gulp.

Even I get bad thoughts sometimes.
They flood my head and spill out through my eyes to soak my pillow for hours on end. Catching colds sleeping on wet pillows drenched in sorrow. Some days I  stumble out of bed and fall to my knees, mumble prayers of protection to those who have provided me with so much, afraid that one day he'll take them away from me. All the while holding in my sobs, afraid they'll wake her through the phone. Once she was there, I got up and left her sleeping like the angel she is. Locked myself in the dark bathroom until the tears almost suffocated me, wiped my eyes and returned to her. Sat on the side of the bed and started weeping again, she rolled over and held me and fell asleep with my head on her chest. The thoughts left me with sore eyes and dry lips.
But they come back now and then returning like an old companion; a dog never forgets its owner.

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I really do hope you enjoy it, it's created by the one and only.

To my lightey,

Happy 10 months Javier,

we've reached double digits.

congrats.

well dun.

thank you for being the best,

loveuloveuloveuloveuloveu.

from yur thug x

I'm in love with a thug, but I don't give a fuck.

The same way a life is given is the same way it can be taken away. So swiftly, so easily...

Getting out of bed seems to be getting harder and harder everyday. Especially since the first form of dialogue me and my dad have once I wake up are arguments... everyday ugh

Lol friends lololol. Why

You're the only person I can talk about my problems with; and now it seems you don't want to hear them... I don't know what to do with myself...