I'm so restless and cold, uncomfortable. Every direction I turn I wish to see your face or the curve of your shoulder, to feel the warmth of your skin. To cater and care for you; hold you and kiss you until you feel better.
I await the return of our meanful goodnights, and our tight grasps while we forget about the world. You're all that matters to me, you in my arms, you infront of me. Your kisses lined with velvet, hugs with silk.
My everything, I await your return

These words seem to escape me more and more often nowadays. Everything is wrong. But it's so right. I mean, I don't know. Me of course it's right, it's so right, and it's magnificent, and that's all that matters to me. Open my eyes to things I would have never seen, stand up and run, and run, and run. Scream, and shout and sing. And, its all right.There are people who forget these feelings, just like how they forget how it feels to be 16 when they turn 17. Forgetful, forgetful. But how could I forget this? So perfect, so beautiful. If only we all felt so big all the time, life would be easier. 

I feel I'm reaching, reaching so far but nothing materialises. The hole in my heart begins again, and I can feel the weight. Let it weigh.

I miss you

There could be something written on me... I suppose, if I was more interesting, if it was worthwhile. Words describing the way my hair drifted in the wind, or the way my eyes shifted. I feel my life is a novel some days, and feeling as if my all my natural movements turn into acted, artificial movement. A human puppet, concentrating on a nose twitch or a nervous gulp.

Even I get bad thoughts sometimes.
They flood my head and spill out through my eyes to soak my pillow for hours on end. Catching colds sleeping on wet pillows drenched in sorrow. Some days I  stumble out of bed and fall to my knees, mumble prayers of protection to those who have provided me with so much, afraid that one day he'll take them away from me. All the while holding in my sobs, afraid they'll wake her through the phone. Once she was there, I got up and left her sleeping like the angel she is. Locked myself in the dark bathroom until the tears almost suffocated me, wiped my eyes and returned to her. Sat on the side of the bed and started weeping again, she rolled over and held me and fell asleep with my head on her chest. The thoughts left me with sore eyes and dry lips.
But they come back now and then returning like an old companion; a dog never forgets its owner.

Check out this blog
insideadreamm.blogspot.co.uk

This blog is bound to bring a smile on your face, it's full of joy, happiness and positive vibes..

I really do hope you enjoy it, it's created by the one and only.

To my lightey,

Happy 10 months Javier,

we've reached double digits.

congrats.

well dun.

thank you for being the best,

loveuloveuloveuloveuloveu.

from yur thug x

I'm in love with a thug, but I don't give a fuck.

The same way a life is given is the same way it can be taken away. So swiftly, so easily...

Getting out of bed seems to be getting harder and harder everyday. Especially since the first form of dialogue me and my dad have once I wake up are arguments... everyday ugh

Lol friends lololol. Why

You're the only person I can talk about my problems with; and now it seems you don't want to hear them... I don't know what to do with myself...

Erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase erase

Mistake after bloody mistake

She... it's been a while since I've written about her. Sometimes it's hard to find the words, they seem to dissappear from in front of me; into thin air. Because all the words in the world couldn't describe the biggest everything in the world. 9 Months and we're still here, going strong, my strongest soldier, my hercules. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I'm ngl I love my job, making her smile is the best feeling I've ever felt. She is... the life I've always wanted, the love I've always asked for, the person I've always dreamed. She is everything ♥

Passive aggressive

"Don't have time for your shit. Tired of it. Too tired of it. Go sort your shit out. Cause no one can help you but yourself. Got too much on my mind for your shit. Why did you do that? I can't even read you anymore. I don't understand you understand you anymore. You can't help me. Just sort yourself out. Don't say sorry, you'll just do it again. I don't need you right now. Fuck off."

Lol Nix you're bare useless uno, always feeling sorry for yourself. Bants

You'll make something of yourself one day... yh maybe in like 500 yrs. Lmao useless girl

Like you don't think.
She'll probably get sick of you if you don't change. Can you blame her though? You get sick of yourself. Step back. Who are you to be crying on the bus. Are you problems worth that? Nah, because you have no problems. I don't see the point of you crying. Like are you 5? Pull yourself together. Always feeling sorry for yourself. Always beating yourself up. For what? Idk, who knows. Such an idiot man. Rt such a fool.
Acc bare useless. Who are you helping in life tbh? It's not like anyone's benefitting from you being anywhere..
Srop crying

To do lists...

Maybe you could be a little less stupid Niks. Just sometimes... stop being sloppy, pull yourself together and think about things... little things. Back off a little bit, pay attention, mature yourself. You're not a kid, you're not excused. Be better.

I have the best

So... Six months man. It's mad how quickly time has gone. And still it still feels like it's not enough. Each day is not enough, there's no such thing as enough with her. I'm just idk. I'm more than thankful to have her in my life, cause God knows what I would have done without her. Believe me when I say she's my everything; she's given me a happiness I would have never known had she not come into my life. Because truly, right now is the happiest I've ever been. And it's all thanks to her. Everything is so good. It's perfect, she's perfect, we're perfect. That's all that I can say.

a mi novia hermosa - Javier. 

But it seems I can't channel through my nights anymore..I look to my left, my right. Nothing.
Nothing. It's empty, I'm empty without the feel of your touch.

Your warm hands work perfectly with my misguided body as you reel me into yours. 
You remind me of a magnet. I'm so deeply attracted ; your golden skin that's kissed by 
the sun ;  your eyes... my favourite brown.. my favourite colour ;  your lips, the pink a mother would wish their child to have ; a smile even 
the moon can't compete with.
It's you, you lure me with your passionate touch, love, kiss.. I wonder how a beautiful soul has only just been loved... why was I the first to love you the way you deserve?
Is it because I know the feeling of being neglected and alone, is it because I know the feeling of being uncomfortable in my own home?

Well damn you and you and you who did not
 look after this perfection that I get to call mine.
I live in a world my feelings have to be restricted, but still she knows my heart is pure and feelings so rare - 
you teach me a different sound of love each day...
You wonder why I love listening to you so much or watching you-  you're the different shade of love I didnt know, you're the different  sound of love I've wanted to know.
Well I guess that I'm head over heels..
find me in paris..
we are not normal, we are far from perfect...but 
do not mistake my imperfect for not perfect -
YOU in the equation is the perfection I've seeked...
DO NOT JUDGE ME - it's not a crime!
Why is it a crime to fight, to love, to cradle what's mine?
How do I know this is love? How can I see tomorrow If you're not in my tomorrow - a tomorrow without you isn't worth my time.

I've planned a future, a house for us.
A job.
A family.
Fun.
Love.
I've planned things I love with my love 
because I am in love.
It's crazy because I wouldn't have ever thought it..
Sorry for the days you felt alone.
Since we got together, you're never going hungry or alone -my dedication will make you feel comfortable at home.
Wait for it.
Wait for us.
Hold out your finger.
I've considered us for many years..
Life time 

de su mejor amigo - lotus. 

Five mother fucking months BITCH.

Hold me; even when you think I don't want it. I want it. I always want it. Hold me. Comfort me, protect me. Do it without me having to ask or hint. Just hold me. Please..

I will wait for you.
I will wait for you to be ready, I will wait till you find comfort in your actions, I will wait.
I will be patient.
I will be patient and stand by your side while you make your journey into confidence.
I will be patient through all the times I will want to hold you, or kiss you, I will be patient.
I will count the seconds until you are ready. My waist will remain cold and impatient till the day you slide your hands over them. My hands stay aching for it's partner to be fitted next to it. My lips stiff with silence, that of which will be broken with a kiss, and of that day I do await. I and every single cell in my body awaits too; for it's other half to slide symmetrically in beside it, to have it cling onto them and never let go.

I will wait for you.

The trials and tribulations of life are not something to dwell on. But instead; to learn from.  Apply knowledge and love into every situation, and that will make you truly successful.

Deuxxx

I didn't think I could miss someone so much in such a short amount of time. This type of yearning, missing; it hurts. It hurts to blink knowing they won't be there when you open your eyes, it hurts to breathe without being able to smell the sweet fragrance of their skin, it hurts knowing I have to go another night without falling asleep in your arms, or waking up buried in your chest. It hurts. And I don't know whether this is normal, I don't; not even 6 months and the pain of not having a life together cuts pretty fucking deep, the pain often seems so unbearable. Is that normal? Is that fucking normal? That's what I'm supposed to be asking myself right? Whether I'm normal, whether WE are normal?
Is it normal that I can see our apartment layout in it's different shades and colour schemes? Is it normal that I can see us sitting in our seats, waiting for our plane to take off on our honeymoon? Is it normal that I can see her holding my hand, comforting me, and shedding tears of joy when our first child is born? Is that normal?
I swear who even fucking cares anymore. There is no normal. There is none. Is normal drinking beer on the veranda with your husband? Is it going to dinner and being able to kiss because heterosexuality is "normal"? Maybe. But who even cares. REALLY BECAUSE I FUCKING DON'T. I want to be with my beautiful girlfriend. I want to go to dinner and have her pull me out a chair, hold my hand, and kiss me just like the rights everyone else was given. I want to walk down the main road her holding my waist; and not get any looks. I WANT HER. I swear to God she's all I want, I want my life, with her. She's my all, my everything.  And not being able to see her or be with her everyday; it KILLS me. Like everyday without her a part of me dies. All I want is to be with her. So much. So much it hurts, and stings, and burns like a hot branding iron pressing through my stomach. I'm sick of falling asleep alone. I'm sick of walking around my house and not being able to shout "baby", I'm sick of living in the world we do, having people that are so fucking "normal" around us. Because now I've had a taste of perfect, normal just doesn't cut it anymore.

Them ones when your sister calls and tells you she's having a boy KSGAHDGEYEGEJ.
God is so good

"I want to moan and writhe with you and I want to go up to you and kiss your mouth and pull you to me and say ‘I love you I love you I love you’ while stripping. I want you so bad it stings."

Bret Easton Ellis, The Rules of Attraction (via serialkiller)

You and your girlfriend being invited on double dates by your mum and her girlfriend

Beauty isn't decided by the masses. 
So instead understand your perception is different from everyone else's, understand that mine is too. Our idea of beauty will always be different. But just know something;
I didn't ask for perfect...
I hate perfect.

Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy.

Don't fucking do that shit...
Please. Please just, don't do it. Please...

The caffeine's starting to wear off

I thought I knew what kind of girl I was 6 years ago, when mother's womb let me go, and the world ate me up. Stepping cautiously, still dodging obstacles of childhood, with watercolour courage holding my past close behind often running back to the child I truly was.

I thought I knew what kind of girl I was after my first downfall, continuously wiping salty tears from my immature cheeks. Falling once again yet clenching my fists, I stand head held high with pride.

I thought I knew what kind of girl I was 7 months ago when I and everyone I knew denied me of rights I was told I deserved, 5 months when I found you, and 3 when I found us.

But today, what kind of girl am I? What labels will I be burdened with? Who's scornful names must I carry with me, scraping the naked skin off my back. Who am I? 

Biracial, Cotton fluff hair, hazel eyes and coffee coloured skin that glows in the sun. 

Assests that are just as materialised as the last, are just as protected as your first.

Honey that can make you weak at the knees, make your head roll back, and for God sake grab onto something before you hurt yourself, hmm. a woman.

With all her various uses and utilities that aren't compared to a man because we are the fairer sex, we are the delicate ones. WE are the one's to wait and preserve our monuments for inauguration and not prepare an inauguration for your monuments. A woman 

A strong growing woman, 

With two legs, two arms, and a yearning heart am I not the same as you? 

Or you? Or you? Or you? 

Do we not claim the same earth to touch, the same air to breathe. 

Do I not deserve to share a common ground, a name that we all own. 

Did I know that I would grow up to connect with a guy then fall for a girl that would become my world. A flawless girl that is my life, soul, and spirit. I would give every thing I had till I was left with the scraps you all left me with, the ditch I was thrown into, the rags I wore dripping from my body as an exhibition for my tanished soul, for her happiness.

And is it the activities of my rounded lips, my love for expression, my confidence and self freedom to defy you and all your cohaught's wishes that makes me less of a woman. 

Is it the fact that I am with someone with the same assets as me rather that the opposing, someone with delicate hands, and deep dark brown eyes. Someone that I'm proud to show off more than anything I would have ever thought that makes me any less of a lover.

Or is it that I am finding myself in situations where I see the sun shine through my window and roll over onto my side till moonlight seeps through the everlasting daylight. I'm looking to those that wear an everlasting smile, with their lipstick stains so deep and morals so weak, yet their perfume stench trailing their bodies, and fragrant flowers resting in their hair. Do you wear it to disguise the reek of you rotting? How did that work for you? Because I'm sill trying to find the easiest way to hide my  reducing self hate, brought to me by all this pressure. If you knew you'd be remembered would you have worn more make up? Would you have walked, talked differently. Cause I'm 16 and I'm standing looking at myself in the mirror trying to figure out whether I should iron the creases out of my dress this morning.

Does any of this make me less of the person I want to be. No, it just makes me human.

It's funny how we have so many emotional triggers.
A smell, a picture, a song, even a food. And how they can trigger a memory.
How this memory, recent or distant, can fill our whole being with a new sort of energy. Within a matter of seconds our emotional state will change, so quickly we don't even notice.
If there was a way I could try describe this feeling; heart sinking, like a heavy thump, hitting your body, from the inside. Shaking you up. These emotions can be so darn powerful, making you forget whatever you were doing before, distract even from life it self, from Earth. None of it is of any importance any more, none whatsoever.
You find yourself lodged within a memory, in another setting, with other feelings.
Like streams, they flow to your senses, hitting them with a smooth reminder of a past time. Strong enough to make your heart skip, and the little hairs on your arms rise.

La vie d'adele

The deepest scar comes from someone that doesn't understand nor realise the depths of your devotion. Dismisses it and tells you to concentrate on yourself, but how? HOW. How...
All I care for is you.
When will you begin to realise

"I’m real tired of seeing skinny white kids painted as THE AVERAGE QUEER. Like please show me a curvy Indian agender kid from Brooklyn, a hispanic lesbian and her black girlfriend. A trans demisexual dude from Korea. GIVE ME SOMETHING OTHER THAN LANKY PALE PEOPLE WITH COLORFUL HAIR PLEASE GOD."

This is probably the best thing I've seen for ages; because it is 110% true. The media's representation of the LGBT community has become so corrupted with the overall image of skinny white kids with 10+ facial piercings and multicolored hair plastered almost everywhere related to LGBT, has recently increased it's already earned tag as the "gay" look. However, is it wise to present the question; WHY? Why must we be presented as this new wave of people, because really and truly how different are we from the rest of you? I think this quote really hits home for me, due to first hand experience. I'm constantly getting the same reaction when I tell people my sexuality: "Really?! You don't look like it!" But really and truly, what am I meant to look like? And as a young bisexual female it frustrates me, am I truly meant to go out of my way to cut my hair into that "gay" style, dye it a "gay" colour, and dress in a "gay" way for me to actually express my true identity? The saddest thing is that our generation is a slave to stereotype; I know because I myself have been a victim of this. Being young the process of 'coming out' is very daunting. I've certainly only started to feel more at ease with expressing my sexual preference in the last year or so. However part of 'coming out' is exploring your options, exercising your game, easing yourself into the 'scene' (or whatever you prefer) and really and truly, the hardest part of that for me was actually letting girls know I was bi (or more specifically making lesbian, or bisexual girls aware that I'm actually open for them to make a move if they wished to) because I couldn't exactly plaster I'M INTO GIRLS TOO, LET'S FUCK everywhere, it's hardly the most subtle approach. So I too followed this stereotypical "gay" image. I dyed my under layer green, and got my septum pierced (I also cut my hair however that was for a different reason), I thought this was the easiest and most subtle way to ease myself in. And it did get me more attention, not surprisingly, but it wasn't me. And it still isn't me, I loved my natural brown, more than any colour I could ever dye. It saddens me to know that more inexperienced young people succumb to recreating the look of 'the average queer' because they may not know any better. Considering that 4.6 percent of people with a Black decent responded "yes" when asked if they identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender, along with four percent of Hispanics, 4.3 percent of Asians and 3.2 percent of Caucasians - It's surprising and very slightly offensive that the media hasn't attempted to publicise the wide diversity of the gay, lesbian and transgender community. 
            Secondly it's about time we address the issue of stereotyping gay or lesbian couples. #!*^*$"XDGJVJF THIS IS A PROBLEM! I hate sitting down to watch a film or a TV series which does include a lesbian or gay couple and finding out that instead of casting one of the wide range of multiracial or other various types of couple, it's always the same thing. Most commonly with gay couples in the media, one  totally butch and the other an inexplicable camp, flamboyant, extrovert. But also the lesbian couple (or the lesbian fling, because I mean that's all it ever is before it gets reported off of TV for the pornographic content that is never even justified), the two stunning girls with long glossy hair, and perfect facial features; they stumble into some sort of attraction, kiss in the most unrealistically strange places, then one of them cheats on the other with their ex. It's all so forced, undoubted sex appeal, that objectifies women and lesbians in general. LESBIANS WEREN'T MADE SOLELY FOR THE PLEASURE OF MAN in no way. Granted it does happen, fair enough, but we are people, it's not fair to shovel one group of people into a pile, then label them with a purpose - because it seems to be the same guys that ostracize gay men and gay couples that spend their evenings getting off to lesbian porn. Like I said, this is a problem. And no one seems to want to face it. 

Lesbians aren't all butch, or plastic porn stars, gay couples don't always comprise of one butch and another camp. Everyone part of the LGBT community doesn't have rainbow coloured hair and 50 piercings, and you don't have to make yourself up in that way if you're not feeling that. And the end of the day we're all human, and what should define us is within our souls. Trrans, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Straight, Androgynous, Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Mixed, Able-bodied, or non able-bodied. we're all human...
Now let's stop pretending otherwise.

 All I need in this life of sin

I don't understand what this sickness is all about. Everyday anaemia you want to be playing me. Making me feel breathless and sick and shit.
Lord only knows why my nose is bleeding & why I acc threw up this time. Dhshsyqiqgqh why now? Can you behave.

... like ngl, I'm kind of scared. Idk what ny body's playing at.

Om mani padme hum

Why does peace seem decades away. Even though my bliss lays next to me.

Simple Peace

I dream of a simple life.
A life with the sun and moon to light our way, the grass to lay on, trees to run through, and rivers to cleanse in. A family to spend my days with, laugh with, smile with, talk to.
A lover to hold at night, to kiss my forehead as the sun comes up and pull me in tighter as the morning breeze touches our cheek bones.
I dream of the simple life; where the flowers are luminous in the summer sun, where the streams glisten back at us like diamonds, where bees make peace upon a human's shoulder; and where a human makes peace in the shade of a large oak tree.
I dream of the days we come forth as a family while the sun sets, to gather, hold hands, and send up our prayers for continuous faith, love, peace. For us to be guided to love all that is given to us, to take it all as a blessing.
I dream of the days our eyes can peel open from the sweet sound of a voice singing and humming coming from beyond our bedroom walls, while the warm sun shines down our bodies, heating them up only to be cooled down with a cold shower before entering the kitchen and helping to cook breakfast. Or dancing around the house with the children, watching as their grins spread widely across their faces, tears from laughter form in their eyes. Their squeels and giggles as we pick them up and swing them about, sit them on our hip and dance with them just like our mother's did to us.
I dream of the simple life, the one our mother's and grandmother's lived before us.
I dream of tranquility, nature, warmth.
I dream of peace.
Simple, simple peace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqVrNK4uiB4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Simple peace in the arms of my lover

Deux ♡

to my lover from another.

"Nicole, your beauty intrigues me and I will never understand how such beauty lives in such an ugly world with such peace and innocence, I respect you for that. You make the moon jealous with your beautiful face and the sun cry with your natural grace, how you do it..I will never understand. You are a beautiful figure who will never see the dark nights alone, you will always have me there with you and I've proved it already, you will never see the bright days alone because through the dark nights I will take you to the brighter days.

The most beautiful human there is to know, the most beautiful human I only know"

The most beautiful soul, it is you - Nicole.

Lotus' new lay out, yeyeyeyeye

F U C K I N G S P R U N G G G G G G G G G G

I don't understand. It's allllways the same fucking thing. It's me. I spoil shit. I ruin it.
Why can't you learn.

It's not everyday be selfish Nicole.
It's not everyday say things without thinking.
It's not everyday kill a mood.
It's not everyday sulk.
It's not everyday take things to heart.
It's not everyday spoil banter.
It's not everday act spoilt, ungrateful, childish.
It's not everyday do things to fuck up your happiness man, and the happiness of your world. Sometimes don't be stupid. 
Sometimes idk behave. 

I'm sorry.
All I can do is apologise.
My faults, your burdens. I'm sorry.
I am truly sorry.
From every part of me.
From my; stomach tense with fear, my hands stabbing in pain, my shoulders hunched over in insecurity, head hanging over in shame; and like always, hot tears running down my cheek.
I'm sorry for what I will do and what I will fail to do.
For the pain that I could possibly bring one day.
I am ashamed and apologising for something I haven't done; and something I never plan to do, but solely because being in the wrong; is what I'm famous for..

I am sorry.

Deux;

It's true.
I've said time and time again, I hurt people.
You know why?
Because I don't learn. I don't. I don't understand this stubborn mentality.
I'm reassured that there's many things that aren't necessary in a relationship or friendship; constantly.
But when it goes to act on it. I always seem to go too fucking far. So fucking far.
I guess I'm torn between my happiness and everyone elses.
Me; I've grown up as an altruist. I live for you. For others. My life, my lives, my love, my loves.
So many times I've been told to be selfish for once. Do me for once. I "deserve" it.
But when I have the courage to I hurt people. It's a lose lose situation Nicole you know this. I just feel helpless. I can't. I don't fucking know how to stop myself. I don't know how to fix things.
How shit has this girl become that she can't even help her own sisters. That they feel discomfort in speaking to her.
Idk what I've become anymore.
I just... I can't. It's always you Nicole. Always the same thing. Be selfish and pay the consequences.
They deserve better, not you.

It's hard to explain to people why I like to be alone. But this is it. There's no chance of hurting them. If you're alone the only person you can hurt is yourself; irrelevant.
But guess I could turn around and say I'm pathetic. I don't know. Self pity? How does it fucking help.

Dear Nicole
Be selfish and pay the conequences.