ANDROMEDA

"Intrigued
Once you learn me there's a chance you will know yourself better. We are one the same, therefore knowing each other we'll be able to understand ourselves, our similarities. But overmore it's our differences; the contrasting things between us; it's those that will display the beauty and bond between two people. Two people, you and I, despite our differences, have managed to grow with each other, grow into one. We are much the same, with flourishes of individuality that distinguish us both. We have become one heart beat, with differences that stand out to enhance the singular people we were born as - but also this one figure, one psychi that we have been made to become. You and I, we are two merely identical lotus', resting on a river. Our petals appear two different colours, one white, the other pink, our outermost layers, we appear different, contrasting. But as you look closer our pollen, representing our hearts and souls. The inner most parts of a person... we are the same. So much the same you cannot tell the difference anymore. Peaceful, calm, tranquil. We let our heart be the silent eye of the storm,  while our minds host the chaos that follows the storm.
Us two, as people, have managed to work past our physical, verbal, mental differences, look past to find the identical human structure we have behind. Our outermost differences have fitted around eachother, and our identical souls have bonded to create one. And right now, we must work together, hand in hand, to become the single lotus we both aim to be, at ease in muddy water."

Why am I the burden.
I always seem to be the catalyst for people's problems. Sometimes it's so much simpler with no one.
Because you have no one's life to ruin.

Proven altruist

Right decisions.
Wrong decisions.
Repetition.
Caving in.
Temptation.
Ill will.
No will.
No power.
Loss.
Gain.
Loss.
Gain.
Loss. Fucking loss.

Midnight snaps

Fav ~

Discovering something new you bare all, become this vunerable thing, a child. And so I was, this vunerable child. Still in the process of understanding this new thought, this feeling that had graced me. Still in the process of understanding myself.

I had so much feeling, so much emotion. So much that too much would have been something of an understatement. It was usual for me to wake up in the middle of the night, roll on to my back and try my hardest to stay awake just so I could surround myself with thoughts of you. Somehow you managed to embed yourself so deep in my heart and mind that I found you seeping into every single thing that I did. Awake & asleep

I dreamt of us, Laying next to each other. You on your back and me on my side, or legs intertwined. Your chin sitting on the top of my head and my head resting on the bridge of your collar bone, just listening to your heart beats contradicting your deep sleepy breaths. And noticing; how shallow mine are compared to your full deep intakes. Our fingers locked, energy passing back and fourth through our touching skin and noticing a tiny twich in our index finger every so often. One night your heartbeat would quicken and breaths deepen. I would know it would a bad dream, I would know that this was where you became vunerable, where you became this weak thing. And I swear I would vow to be there when you woke from your battle. I would be there to hold you till your fear escapes from our slightly ajar top window, and kiss you till the thought of crying yourself back to sleep had banished. I wanted to be the one who saved you from your own vulnerability, I wanted to be that one person who would always be a comfort no matter what. I swear I would vow for that. I would've done it for you, if you would let me my love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgxU73Eifgs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The most beautiful

I don't even know why I try. It never works. I'm never good enough. Why am I never good enough

Once,
Just once. I pray atleast once someone wouldn't throw their pity forward onto me. I plead. Just one time. 
I can't bare another "I'm so sorry" "It's just for the best." Or "They're doing it because they care." For fuck sake can't someone just be angry with me for once. Fucking egg me on.
Tell me to smash something.
Shout with me.
Give me something to throw.
But shit man. Don't passify it! Don't counter it.
Become an aid for my release, if anything.
If anything.

That's I'm asking for.

When will we become wonderful?

I tried, I suppose I wanted to make it seem simple, effortless.
I've been doing it for so long I'm starting to fool myself really.
I believe I can do it, I believe it has become so easy, I believe it doesn't hurt.
But it gets to a point where I realise how broken I am inside,
how much I'm struggling to get through, how deep in shit I am.
And all that for what? Fucking pride.
It's always the same. I don't want your pity, for what? How's that going to help me?
It can't, not at all.
They try and force feelings of pain into you. Asking how shit you feel, how they can't imagine dealing with what you deal with. But hey, they can fuck themselves. I don't want that crap.
It's bullshit. Fucking bullshit.
Let me deal with it.
Let me fucking deal with myself. Because at the end of the day. How well do they know me?
They don't. Not at all. Don't try and pass judgement on me if you don't know the whole story.

You must learn to avert anger towards people that are only here to help.
They care

Too tired to even sleep

And the very next day.
The VERY next day.
My fault? I suppose that's what we can call it?

Babe...

Learn to back the fuck off. Learn. Just... just fucking learn, and save me all this flipping trouble. Because if you don't, then I will. And either way he gets the short straw. So it's your fucking decision.

I want to be seen, back to front, top to bottom, inside and out;
I want to be seen, I long to be noticed, at least some how acknowledged, whether it's by a slight tilt of the head or the cut of the eye, the lift of one eyebrow or fluttering eyelashes. 
I am acknowledged either way, and my heart & mind will sit contently, happily waiting til it happen again. I want to be noticed again. It soon becomes the drug I crave. Squints from a distance, & the heat of your stare, I pray for it to one day scold my shoulders and eventually burn through my heart unlocking the secret I have been yearning to release.

I suppose I haven't really been working on it so this should still count as a before picture. Definitely aiming to tone up by my birthday in March

One of the most amazing days of my life ♥ 

Gracias Adios

What of all this hope and faith I wish for people? What happens when it's all gone, gone before I could steal some of it.
Left giving empty statements, with little meaning. How can I possibly bestow happiness when I am far from happy myself?
While everyone moves on, progressing and travelling past, getting better, becoming brilliant. Appearing to succeed where I had failed. I am left behind, still searching for what seems to be the future, what seemed to be happiness, acceptance. And so I remain, this naked child, shivering on the cold concrete floor, surrounded by night, hot tears streaming down my cheeks, and bruises spread across my body. I am still vulnerable, still weak, still... useless...
... Still... searching...

Did you ever feel as if you weren't good enough?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyoCqWlNWqI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

And it's happiness we yearn

It's freedom we seek

I am the product of unproductivity

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8inJtTG_DuU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Vous n'avez pas besoin d'être sophistiquée et riche d'acquérir le respect, la beauté et le bonheur.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfKBkQ4ID04&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Nos sunt infinitae.

Sometimes I live a world silent
Just the sound of my breath, solitary
My face, dead, and body, still
Lack of meaning and purpose
For a second I become inanimate, still, lost.
With a billion I am surrounded, but with nothing, am I filled.

The silent world, it's difficult to understand when you're blinded by bodies,
But when those bodies blend into one, is when one shall realise the true destiny of our souls.
Bound by silence, bound by solitude, bound by brightness.
The lone soul has it's own agenda, one that doesn't concern others, but instead basks in it's own learning and knowledge.
Something that allows us to put ourselves into the places of others, to mimick; but never actually become. Never replace, for that a fatal mistake, we are once always indebted to make.
But once learnt is a journey been and gone, for some.
It's something we must learn to take on, and something we must learn from.
To atleast prepare ourselves, for the bigger journey to come.

"You're such strange teenager, I don't understand you"
Thanks very fucking much

And there you go, it's been done

I've lost the will to allow myself happiness anymore.

I don't deserve that, I mean that's why the waves of doubt have returned?

To torture me? Is that it?

It's getting too much for me, and it's the frustration that guides it.

I don't know what to do anymore, I can't force it down any longer.

I can't pretend to be blissfully content. I just can't. 

I need to know why the tables have flipped. Why? What have I done? 

What can I do to solve it? 

I've got to know! 

Please. 

Stupid Nicole.
Hate how she decided to cut her hair.
Hate where she lives.
Hate how she walks.
Hate how she looks in her uniform.
Hate how she brings herself across.
Hate the way she speaks.
Hate how she dances.
Hate her braces.
Hate how attached she gets to everyone.
Hate how she cries all the fucking time for no apparent reason.
Hate her damn eczema and skin.
Hate her body.
Hate her face.
Hate her voice.
Hate the way she takes pictures.
Hate her bruises.
Hate her knees.
Hate how she is when she's with her friends. 
Hate how paranoid she is about everything.
Hate how many times she said sorry.
Hate what she's becoming.
Hate how she is in school. 
Hate everything about her.

Stupid cunt. Nicole.

I have nothing to say really. I guess it's back. And I fucking hate it.

This post is OLD:
Do people perceive life in different way? Well you could say so, but no one really does understand how anyone sees life, how they perceive things, what they think of things, of people, of sites and smells. I don't know whether many people think the way i do, but i would love to find out, i would love to have an insight into what thoughts people have while lying in bed at night, or while staring into the sky, what goes on in their mind when they have had their heart broken, or when someone close to them dies, but also people that are going through a hard time, maybe people who have tried commiting suicide. What goes through their minds, what they would think could happen next.
Like with a person that has a someone close to them die, maybe they would think they will stay with them forever as 'ghosts' or 'spirits', or maybe they would think of how they would be able to carry on their life without them, how they would find the norm' again? How they would be able to wake up in the morning and go through their day without seeing that persons face?
What about the people that have maybe tried with suicide? What goes on in their mind if they cut themselfs? Maybe they think it will get better, or atleast it may feel better for that moment?
Maybe i should stop assuming?
But how do people perceive life ? You may perceive life maybe as a road, a journey ? That road maybe a warm sunny place, with many friendly people, but there will be a place on that road, and when you reach that place, the clouds may come in, and cover the sun, and the rain may pour down on you, you may be cold and wet and worried about where to go next, but you'll find your way and get back on track on that warm sunny road.
Iv'e always wanted to know what goes on in the minds of people, maybe if they're depressed ? Or like maybe commiting self abuse or something ? I don't know whether i will ever experience this, it really depends whether my emotions come to that extent.

Fix me

Wed, 29 May 19:41

Today I shouted at my mum. I screamed at her over the phone. She was still at work, but she took my call nevertheless. And she listened to me shout. I called her because I was late, and I didn't know where she put a garment of mine. I searched for a long time and started to get frustrated. My calls weren't going through. I used my dad's phone to call her work, and find out where the shirt was. I called and shouted at her straight away. Through all my anger and frustration towards her, she still kept her warm loving tone with me. She told me where it was & I found it, she wished me good luck for the competition and I put the phone down on her. 
Who am I?
Who said she deserved that? 
Why did I think I had the right? 
Am I spoilt? 
Some daughter I am. Great fucking daughter. After everything. I still give her this. Stupid fucking argh. Nicole.
This morning I was told I got into CAT, of which I audition for a while back. I told my mum, she said she was extremely proud of me. She said I knew I could do it, that I deserved it. 
I just got home, I thought about my mum, I texted her that I was sorry for shouting and that I didn't mean to overreact. This is what she said:
"Don't feel bad about it! You apologised and move on my baby! Just try not to overreact next time. We're both going through a lot, but I always try as much as I can to be a good mum, the same way you're trying to be the best dancer ever! Xx I love you x"

'We're both going through a lot"

'try as much as I can to be a good mum'

'a good mum'

'try not to overreact'

'I love you'

'best dancer ever'

'I'm so proud of you'

'You deserve it'

'a good mum' 

' I try'

Nicole you're a monster. You disgust me. Truly.
Bask in your guilt. Dirty creature.

I plead you bid me goodbye. Let me bask in this empty depth for a while.

I am forlorn.
I miss you like you have been taken away, and I am forlorn. I have no right to feel this way.
Though you are still here, I miss you. I miss memories.
I miss something. Something inside of me craves the past; and the present. Craves us. But I cannot grip onto it. I don't know how to. I just know it's present somewhere.
I've grown fond of it, and I'm beginning to realising that it is hard to imagine life without it.

It's a tugging somewhere, constant tugging. Though I am happy and content with it, I am forlorn nevertheless. And I live with a hard lump resting half way down my oesophagus. The constant holding back of these strange tears. These from no where.

And yet with this blood, this holy wine, this bitter but sweet,
I have become happy, I am content. 
I am tranquil.

BULLSHIT. You are a fucking failure. Just sit down and shut up Nicole.
No one wants you here.

Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you. Nicole I hate you.

Why do I cry? Like really why? Does every emotion I have result in crying? Is that how it is now yeah?

People who patronise me make me want to cry. Not even out of pain or insult. Just purely out of anger. I feel I'm going to burst, but then... I cry...
I have a sick loathing towards anyone patronising. If I could rip they're head off I would tbh. Wankers.

Nicole it's time to wash your face and return to a smile. You don't want them to know you've been crying.

Same thing, every fucking day.

Music is helpful. It's helpful to drown out the violent sobs, and the murmurs of desperation. It's helpful to blur out the bangs and crashes on the walls. It's helpful to cover up the fall to the floor. It's helpful to disguise the scraches and punches as injuries. It's helpful to keep it a secret.

You don't understand. And it hurts.
I want to leave, please.

Fucking worthless. 
You make me feel like shit. What have I done wrong for you to treat me like this? Please please tell me. Why?

What am I even worth to you? Nothing at all I'm assuming.

When jealously becomes a problem. You've got to tell yourself to shut the hell up, and pull yourself together. You trust. You love. You believe. That's it.
And you've just got to take his word, because you trust him, you do. And you trust her. You do. Never trust them. Because they don't know him, or her, or you. They know what they can assume. Which is nothing. Ignorant bastards. And how does it work? When I become... not myself... that is how. I am my own destroyer, and yet I am also my own doctor.

So fix up Nicole
God blessed you. Don't take that for granted.

I feel a bit shitty, I just hope it's not coming back. I don't think I can deal with that again.

I thank God, that I have the personal and mental strength to resist cutting. That I have been given the power to hold myself, to not venture below where I am right now. Thank you Lord. I thank you with all my heart.

And there you go. This is why I don't like you Nicole.

Why is she fucking about? Sorry I've had such an amazing weekend. But why is she taking the piss out of my life? Sorry apparently it's "not my concern". Nah fuck off mate, it obviously is. So now I have to find things about me through other people? Don't be a fucking coward.
Let me move out. Fuck sake.

So I just finished a performance, but why am I feeling like this? Like why? Sometimes I hate myself so much. And so I wanted to start crying on the bus? Leave it, am I a dickhead? I'm supposed to be buzzing, but instead I feel like shit. Nah fuck you Nicole

Shit day, shit life, shit being.

I'm fed up already, let me be someone else, let me be someone that isn't emotionally jarred by the slightest thing. Let me be different, give me some damn peace. Please. It hurts so much, I hate the way  I think, I hate being me, I hate Nicole.

Why do I hold onto feelings after the whole situation has finished? Does that even make sense? Am I really a dickhead. In what world is this aiding me in any way?
Just give my body and mind away to someone else, let them take it, because I don't want it anymore.

Why is it so hard for me to get rid of this stupid feeling ARGH It makes me feel so angry with myself FUCK. I've slept well, it's sunny outside, I should be happy, but no? I just don't understand. I will wait for the day I can truly shed this feeling from my heart.

It's one o'clock, let me just blast some music, see if that makes me feel any better. 

It's already making me feel a bit better.

Let me be wonderful. Let me out from these shackles, set me free from this burden. Greet me with possibilities, and happiness, show me love and let me love. Grant me peace and content within myself,  allow me life, allow me memories, allow me warmth;

Let me be wonderful.

Fuck you, fuck this, fuck life, fuck off, fuck everything. For fuck sake, just go away. ARGH
I wish I could go somewhere and scream as loud as I can, for as long as I can. Just so I could jump, and stamp, and throw myself in as many different directions as I can till I feel some sort of relief, just for a bit.


Argh, I've had a long day.

24/02/2013

...

You're weak. Nicole, you're weak.

Anticipation is the only life support I have

Sometimes I just don't know why I cry. In general I feel broken, but from what? And why? God knows really.

I know I'm weak, very weak in fact. Dare I say even more than before, and restriction from it does seem harder. It's my soul & mind that I feels is flimsy, and when I cry, it causes me to feel nothing. No anger toward anyone, no sadness, no frustration, just emptiness, and longing. It's a strange feeling, like it's not great, but it's not the worst. It feels... Monotone  if you like. Just nothing. Void, of everything. And who do I have to blame? No one, everyone? Everything, and nothing. 

A constant burden, something weighing me down, all the time. I wish it would go, but I have no strength to get rid of it. Non whatsoever. And so it's grown with me, this nothingness, it's a part of me now.

You know what, I'd rather not...

I could run away. I could just up and leave right now. It would be so easy, so simple. I'd be able stay at my sister's, I have enough money to get there. I could easily just... run? It's unlikely anyone would miss me. After all I've been hearing from them for the past few weeks.

If I could live with her constantly, maybe I would be happy? Just for a while. It would be worth a try, I guess?

He

Darkness, it seems like it's everywhere nowadays. God has taken his blessing away from this island, he's taken the sweet warm sun, and instead leaves us with the remnants of hell. Like pieces of shattered glassed, idle, awaiting for the touch of something living to bring it back into this useless world, to return to it's simple un-thanked purposes. The nights, which now overtake the days, I have lost count of them. They seem just to merge into one long cycle, day, night, day, night, day, night, until you forget which one is which  I don't sleep very often any more, it doesn't feel as necessary as it was before,
Often when I walk I smoke, or I drink before I set off, it helps me to think. But today Leon offered me a different type of cigarette, from the white he said, medicinal he said  I took of course, why would I turn that down. A cigarette's a cigarette isn't it? After all, what do I have to lose, it can't kill me more than I already am dead.
Funny thing death is, funny thing life is actually. I live life, my men live life, the villagers live life's, we all "live" life. But do we actually LIVE life? Who actually LIVES life anymore, you tell me, maybe the whites, with their damn fancy education, and knowledge and whatever the fuck else. No one needs that. No on needs education to say they're worthy of something. What sense does it make to say because you've had an education, you are worthy of money or a better job. None what so ever. That's the common sense of the white. They know nothing. apart from expose you irrelevant and pointless fear. I once heard of a woman that managed to get to the white world, she got sent to a school, gained education, got a job. Became smart you know, like them, became white. One day she had to come back to her homeland with the company she worked for, but something strange happened. As soon as they arrived, she entered a dense spiral of insanity, ran out screaming and crying out for help, she was afraid of everything, I heard she shouted "Disease" they shouted, it's...
Disease is what they said...

Πώς ειρήνη προέρχεται από την αγάπη, όταν η αγάπη απαιτεί σύγκρουση.

Don't try and make sense of this world, it isn't possible. For yourself maybe, but for others, almost definitely not. It is not possible to evaluate someone elses interpretation of everything, it's like comparing two people's view on the meaning if life. We do not know.
As humans our range of emotions, feelings and thoughts stretch over a wide plane. How we react to different situations depends on the state of each person and their equilibrium. That's just how life goes.

La locura es lo que me mantiene con vida.

Let's not start this again. Forever and always ruining things aren't I. I just can't get it right.
Fucking defensive shit.