Fav ~

Discovering something new you bare all, become this vunerable thing, a child. And so I was, this vunerable child. Still in the process of understanding this new thought, this feeling that had graced me. Still in the process of understanding myself.

I had so much feeling, so much emotion. So much that too much would have been something of an understatement. It was usual for me to wake up in the middle of the night, roll on to my back and try my hardest to stay awake just so I could surround myself with thoughts of you. Somehow you managed to embed yourself so deep in my heart and mind that I found you seeping into every single thing that I did. Awake & asleep

I dreamt of us, Laying next to each other. You on your back and me on my side, or legs intertwined. Your chin sitting on the top of my head and my head resting on the bridge of your collar bone, just listening to your heart beats contradicting your deep sleepy breaths. And noticing; how shallow mine are compared to your full deep intakes. Our fingers locked, energy passing back and fourth through our touching skin and noticing a tiny twich in our index finger every so often. One night your heartbeat would quicken and breaths deepen. I would know it would a bad dream, I would know that this was where you became vunerable, where you became this weak thing. And I swear I would vow to be there when you woke from your battle. I would be there to hold you till your fear escapes from our slightly ajar top window, and kiss you till the thought of crying yourself back to sleep had banished. I wanted to be the one who saved you from your own vulnerability, I wanted to be that one person who would always be a comfort no matter what. I swear I would vow for that. I would've done it for you, if you would let me my love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgxU73Eifgs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The most beautiful

I don't even know why I try. It never works. I'm never good enough. Why am I never good enough

Once,
Just once. I pray atleast once someone wouldn't throw their pity forward onto me. I plead. Just one time. 
I can't bare another "I'm so sorry" "It's just for the best." Or "They're doing it because they care." For fuck sake can't someone just be angry with me for once. Fucking egg me on.
Tell me to smash something.
Shout with me.
Give me something to throw.
But shit man. Don't passify it! Don't counter it.
Become an aid for my release, if anything.
If anything.

That's I'm asking for.

When will we become wonderful?

I tried, I suppose I wanted to make it seem simple, effortless.
I've been doing it for so long I'm starting to fool myself really.
I believe I can do it, I believe it has become so easy, I believe it doesn't hurt.
But it gets to a point where I realise how broken I am inside,
how much I'm struggling to get through, how deep in shit I am.
And all that for what? Fucking pride.
It's always the same. I don't want your pity, for what? How's that going to help me?
It can't, not at all.
They try and force feelings of pain into you. Asking how shit you feel, how they can't imagine dealing with what you deal with. But hey, they can fuck themselves. I don't want that crap.
It's bullshit. Fucking bullshit.
Let me deal with it.
Let me fucking deal with myself. Because at the end of the day. How well do they know me?
They don't. Not at all. Don't try and pass judgement on me if you don't know the whole story.

You must learn to avert anger towards people that are only here to help.
They care