5:37am ...

This keeps happening, I just want it to stop, I want it to end. Now don't get me wrong, us... I never want us to end, and I can't have you confuse the two. I want the arguing to end, I want the fighting to end, I want us to be good again. I can't have us fighting all the time, it hurts me and Lord knows it hurts you too. There's only so much I can say to you directly, the rest I write on here hoping you'll stumble upon it. I need you. There's no one else I'd rather have. I want you and you only. And I want us. And I want to be happy. And I want to stop crying. And I want you to hold me, and kiss me and talk to me like we did. Now you'll just be visting me on Friday "as a friend". 

I would do anything to make us work. And right now I need you more than ever. I need you with me. I just don't even know what to say anymore. Maybe holding your hand and ... I don't even want to do that. I feel the pain of being away from you will somehow slap some sort of common sense into me. To not say stuff I don't mean. To not hide my feelings. To not pretend I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you but can't help but feel that's not mutual. I can't even blame you for that. I can't blame you for the pressure you experience. Thus I cannot be blamed for the pressure I experience. Ofcourse the distance it hard to cope with but it's not near enough as hard as to give up this two year relationship. 

In reality, I think about you all the time. I think about your voice, I think about the way you walk and stand, and laugh, and cry, and talk. The way you sleep, you breathe, the way you sneeze, and the way you sing. Your skin, and your hands, and your eyes, and your heart. Being shut down and told I'm forcing it hurts ofcourse. If its any consolation, I think about you all the time, I think about the past all the time, all the good times, all the time. I think about you stroking my hand, showing your affection with such subtlety, and holding eachother while we rest, constantly resting. Me buried in your chest and you resting your head ontop of mind. And our kisses before bed, and falling asleep on eachothers lips. And just everything. I want to scream. I want you back and I would do anything to prove it. Baby please, take me back. I want us back, wholly, imperfectly, beautifully. Us. 

I want us. And I can't help falling apart everytime we leave eachother mid argument. No matter how bad the argument, I will always sleep with your pillow. You're my soul mate. We use the term loosely. But you, have defied every aspect of a relationship I would have ever thought of. I am in love with my best friend, who knows me better than anyone, who will stay up to make sure I sleep, who will hold me and kiss me, and make me laugh, and kiss me so passionately it can make me cry, who will stand behind me and kiss the nave of my neck while I wash dishes and whisper "I love you" into my ear. Who just makes me so comfortable being around you that it's just routine. 

I write this hoping you will read it and it'll totally change your opinions and your feelings, that you will finish this and have a lightbulb moment saying I am so in love with her, and then you'd run to me and squeeze me and kiss me and tell me how much you love me, then we will be back to normal, even better. I hope for that, but I can't help but be sceptical. All I want is you.You are my all, and I hope this helps you realise and change your mind. 

I love you, I would do anything to make this work.