to my lover from another.

"Nicole, your beauty intrigues me and I will never understand how such beauty lives in such an ugly world with such peace and innocence, I respect you for that. You make the moon jealous with your beautiful face and the sun cry with your natural grace, how you do it..I will never understand. You are a beautiful figure who will never see the dark nights alone, you will always have me there with you and I've proved it already, you will never see the bright days alone because through the dark nights I will take you to the brighter days.

The most beautiful human there is to know, the most beautiful human I only know"

The most beautiful soul, it is you - Nicole.

Lotus' new lay out, yeyeyeyeye

F U C K I N G S P R U N G G G G G G G G G G

I don't understand. It's allllways the same fucking thing. It's me. I spoil shit. I ruin it.
Why can't you learn.

It's not everyday be selfish Nicole.
It's not everyday say things without thinking.
It's not everyday kill a mood.
It's not everyday sulk.
It's not everyday take things to heart.
It's not everyday spoil banter.
It's not everday act spoilt, ungrateful, childish.
It's not everyday do things to fuck up your happiness man, and the happiness of your world. Sometimes don't be stupid. 
Sometimes idk behave. 

I'm sorry.
All I can do is apologise.
My faults, your burdens. I'm sorry.
I am truly sorry.
From every part of me.
From my; stomach tense with fear, my hands stabbing in pain, my shoulders hunched over in insecurity, head hanging over in shame; and like always, hot tears running down my cheek.
I'm sorry for what I will do and what I will fail to do.
For the pain that I could possibly bring one day.
I am ashamed and apologising for something I haven't done; and something I never plan to do, but solely because being in the wrong; is what I'm famous for..

I am sorry.

Deux;

It's true.
I've said time and time again, I hurt people.
You know why?
Because I don't learn. I don't. I don't understand this stubborn mentality.
I'm reassured that there's many things that aren't necessary in a relationship or friendship; constantly.
But when it goes to act on it. I always seem to go too fucking far. So fucking far.
I guess I'm torn between my happiness and everyone elses.
Me; I've grown up as an altruist. I live for you. For others. My life, my lives, my love, my loves.
So many times I've been told to be selfish for once. Do me for once. I "deserve" it.
But when I have the courage to I hurt people. It's a lose lose situation Nicole you know this. I just feel helpless. I can't. I don't fucking know how to stop myself. I don't know how to fix things.
How shit has this girl become that she can't even help her own sisters. That they feel discomfort in speaking to her.
Idk what I've become anymore.
I just... I can't. It's always you Nicole. Always the same thing. Be selfish and pay the consequences.
They deserve better, not you.

It's hard to explain to people why I like to be alone. But this is it. There's no chance of hurting them. If you're alone the only person you can hurt is yourself; irrelevant.
But guess I could turn around and say I'm pathetic. I don't know. Self pity? How does it fucking help.

Dear Nicole
Be selfish and pay the conequences.

ANDROMEDA

"Intrigued
Once you learn me there's a chance you will know yourself better. We are one the same, therefore knowing each other we'll be able to understand ourselves, our similarities. But overmore it's our differences; the contrasting things between us; it's those that will display the beauty and bond between two people. Two people, you and I, despite our differences, have managed to grow with each other, grow into one. We are much the same, with flourishes of individuality that distinguish us both. We have become one heart beat, with differences that stand out to enhance the singular people we were born as - but also this one figure, one psychi that we have been made to become. You and I, we are two merely identical lotus', resting on a river. Our petals appear two different colours, one white, the other pink, our outermost layers, we appear different, contrasting. But as you look closer our pollen, representing our hearts and souls. The inner most parts of a person... we are the same. So much the same you cannot tell the difference anymore. Peaceful, calm, tranquil. We let our heart be the silent eye of the storm,  while our minds host the chaos that follows the storm.
Us two, as people, have managed to work past our physical, verbal, mental differences, look past to find the identical human structure we have behind. Our outermost differences have fitted around eachother, and our identical souls have bonded to create one. And right now, we must work together, hand in hand, to become the single lotus we both aim to be, at ease in muddy water."

Why am I the burden.
I always seem to be the catalyst for people's problems. Sometimes it's so much simpler with no one.
Because you have no one's life to ruin.

Proven altruist

Right decisions.
Wrong decisions.
Repetition.
Caving in.
Temptation.
Ill will.
No will.
No power.
Loss.
Gain.
Loss.
Gain.
Loss. Fucking loss.

Midnight snaps